Maybe he takes after his Dad, he's the night owl, I'm the morning person, so Matthew probably follows in his daddy's footsteps.
Last night Matthew was in an unusually chatty mood. Which brings me to something I've wanted to write about but have not found the right way to say it. Throughout the entire experience of school, I really felt it wasn't for me. It was a battle to make it through to the end, to make it day by day, to keep going semester after semester. I tried to give it my all but at the end of the day, I just don't know if it's for me. Sometimes you have to take a step back and realize what's important in life. And my number one priority is Matthew.
I really, really missed out on a lot with him from Birth-3. I was working full-time and I had no choice NOT to work. I needed to pay for him to go to daycare those first 3 years. I can't change the past so there's no point in delving into those memories. Everything that happened, happened. I went to work. Matthew went to daycare. Sean and I were off and on and that's how it was.
When I made the decision to go back to school, I was really, really sick of my job. Sean and I were back on again when I made that decision. I had felt it was God's plan for me to go to nursing school. So I did. I jumped in without looking back. What a rollercoaster of stress and anguish it was but I finished, graduated, got my degree and license.
By now I should be well over 6 months in to this dream career. But I'm not. That 4th semester was a killer on me. Emotionally, I can't do it. I can't fake it. I did the best that I could but I care too much. That's the problem in nursing, as much as I care, there isn't the time for that one-on-one with your patients. I've really drug my feet and really hope to find the perfect job for me. The one that I won't have to work overnights because Sean and my mom already do that. Like I said, I'm not a night person. Now that Sean and I are married and living together, things have changed, which allows ME to be there for MATTHEW. I've never had that opportunity before. After daycare, my Dad watched Matthew while I worked. He was the one to put him on the van for 3 years of Early Childhood and feed him and put him down for naps and do all that while I was working. Now I am able to do all of that. I can take Matthew to school and pick him up from school. I can spend the entire summer with him. I can work on his homework with him without having to work on my own homework as well. I can be less stressed because my FOCUS is now on him. And you know what? It's an inner struggle because I feel like I should be working more and doing what I went to school for and worrying about what others think, but after praying to God for guidance in what I should be doing, I believe Matthew's nighttime chatter is it. He needs me and I need to be there for him. It's my life. It's no one else's business. Plus I've still held down my job throughout this whole entire process even though it's part-time, but I've maintained it for over 10+ years.
Matthew absolutely doesn't want me to be a nurse. Honestly, I know I couldn't do bedside, I'd probably have my own heart attack or stroke. I applied for school nurse too but another more qualified candidate got it. Probably for the best. I wouldn't be opposed to non-patient "something," but it all depends on the timing.
It took me so long to get Matthew to where he is now and the fact he ranked a little higher on the ADOS scale, really seals the deal for me. He's what matters most to me (along with my husband). I just can't imagine 2 full-time working parents juggling a child that really needs the one on one attention that any kid deserves.
He told me how much he would miss me if I wasn't there to take him to school or pick him up. It was hard for him and Sean to deal with the preceptorship. Even though I was on days, but for me to be gone 13+ hours, it wasn't something they were used to. Sean already works a full-time position and for him to try and fill in the mom-role wasn't easy.
So all in all. This is best. I need the night time chatter. I need to fulfill my purpose in life in raising Matthew. To help him gain more and more independence and one on one attention for me. Help him through school so we can escape the mask of Autism and he can go on to live a fulfilling and somewhat normal life.
No comments:
Post a Comment