It's funny. When you have a baby, you just expect everything to go right? Right? I mean, you of course hope and pray that everything is normal. Ten fingers and toes and stuff like that.
Then once you have a "normal" baby, you thank God for him or her. But what happens when months and years from that prescious day, your baby doesn't speak or connect to you like EVERY other baby/child you see that's about your baby's age.
That's what hurts me the most about Matthew. I had the most perfect pregnancy. Sure I had aches and pains and sometimes those uneasy queasy feelings, but overall, I loved every minute of it. Sure you hear those women who bitch and moan about every little thing or take every little emotion out on thier husband or boyfriend. That's just messed up.
I didn't have any of that. I did mine all by myself and I was cool with that. I was just happy for the little miracle growing inside my belly and I was very blessed with whole occassion. I worked up until the day I gave birth. Still a very physical job. None of that bed rest bullshit for me. I wouldn't take it. Lol.
So I have my sweet baby boy, didn't name him Tater Zane like I wanted, and Matthew Zane sounded just as good. His Apgar's were 10 and 10. Does that not mean a pretty normal baby? One would think so.
But like I said, I've been cheated and robbed. Matthew looked normal on the outside, but deep inside, he wasn't and still isn't quite right. It's sad too. I feel someone stole the child in him that I should have had. I mean, the way he's never come to me for comfort and of course everyone knows the lack of speech. The distance, and the no eye contact thing. How could someone possibly take these things away from him?
It's just sad. I mean, granted he's come along way, but who on Earth could take those things away from me? I would to have my son say, "mama" when he comes and the room and sees me, or "what's that?" or "why", or "no" cause I'm making him do something that he thinks is so terrible.
I pray to God, that somehow some way, these prescious things are returned to me so I can truly know what a real son is like.
I have come to change my way of thinking on this. I've learned to accept him for who he is and I've come accross an extraordinary story of a highschool friend that has also made giant gains from life's lemons.
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